First off, I want to say “THANK YOU” to everyone who has ever taken time from their busy lives to stop by and read my blog. I’m honored, really!
That being said, I’m planning to start a new blog. It’s time to start fresh. I’ve totally enjoyed this experience and have learned a lot about the process. (Probably not enough, but there’s time…) When I first began writing, I think I did 3 posts in about 7 months. Then I picked up speed and found it very cathartic. I’ve become quite fond of some of my fellow bloggers, which is SO COOL!
About 2 years ago, I shed 50 lbs in about 7 months without any specific dieting. I worked out like mad and ate pretty much whatever I wanted. (I did avoid foods that cause bloating for obvious reasons.) I was in love and on a mission because someone woke up my libido after years of dormancy. I went from being a scared, sex starved, overweight, suburban mom, ex-wife and entrepreneur to a city dweller mom, and entrepreneur. I was resigned to dying young because of my weight. (BTW, the initial weight gain was the result of a what had become a sexless marriage.)
A few years after my divorce, Mike came back into my life, telling me that the time we spent together 37 years prior were the happiest of his life. He gave me my first kiss in 5 years, and I was a size 24! I decided to pull myself together because suddenly, I wanted to live a much longer life. MY LUST WAS BACK!
Telling myself that my current physical state going forward, was going to be my “Before” and to have no shame in relation to my body. I quickly discovered SHAME ONLY HOLDS YOU BACK! (I need to remind myself of this more often.)
I had the idea to record my progress by taking selfies. This was long before “selfies” even had a name! I thought I might even publish a short inspirational book on weight loss. (Had I known about blogging back then, that would’ve made the most sense.)
I was so in love, I realized that ANYTHING WAS POSSIBLE! We spoke every day for 3 years no matter where he was in the world. (He travels alot…really!) I decided to take up flying (in spite of my terror of heights).
And so the journey of my physical self-discovery begins…
Although he told me he wanted to take it slow because of his past, it became clear that this was never going to get off the ground. But I was already airborne.
I decided to try match.com. I even went to a professional photographer for my pictures. (Which is laughable in retrospect.) The photographer, (Jennifer Girard, a free spirit, who had also shot me in my twenties) suggested wearing the dress without trying to zip it up in back. (Which was good. Because I was only able to zip it half way!)
While there I decided to document my “Before” by having her shoot me. Herself, being a former model, she was quite surprised at my eagerness to shoot my fat! LOL!
Still in touch with Mike on a daily basis, he spurred me on. (Although he criticized anyone I dated.) I LOVED my workouts. I was dancing in both the gym and my living room! (There was even a moment or totally alone at the Chicago Botanic Gardens when MJ came on my ipod and I broke into dance. :))
I was on a mission to get stronger and to defy gravity. I didn’t care WHAT I WEIGHED! I took my measurements. Besides, I gained weight as I gained muscle. The more I worked out, the more calories burned while “resting”.
Hard to believe these are all me. I believe you can turn back the clock.
I felt sexy again…in spite of my size. I want to feel that again!
I went from this… to this, in less than 2 years. No liposuction etc.
All the while I was in daily contact with Mike, who has shown me untold kindness, which I foolishly misinterpreted for something else. I kept everyone else “at bay” engaging in trysts, but nothing else really. I was pretty mad about “Prince Liam”. (He was bar none, the MOST SENSUAL man I’ve ever met and he relished my sensuality as well! But he moved to Florida.)
There was also a scammer thrown in for good measure, who I fell for …HARD! (I never game him a nickel. Once I got wise, I tipped off the FBI who froze two of their bank accounts, both containing over a half million dollars.)
About a year ago, I had a really bad sexual experience with someone I had seen several times. I shut down after that. It’s been over a year since I’ve even dated.
I decided to wait for Mike to come around, figuring I could never love anyone as much as him anyway. He had since moved out west to take care of his aging mother, which he was doing about two weeks of every month prior to that. (Another reason I find him so endearing. )
When we first began talking five years ago, he said he couldn’t ask anyone to wait for him because he traveled so much and had to keep an eye on his mom. My overactive imagination led me to believe that we might be together once he was no longer caretaking. I began to feel like I was cheating when I was with other men, particularly considering he made fun of everyone I dated. (I KNOW… I CAN BE REEEEEALLY DUMB!)
It wasn’t long before our relationship began to feel like my sexless marriage, without the fighting, but with the same result. It was a wretchedly long winter and I began to pack on the pounds and inches. My eating habits hadn’t changed much, but I was no longer working out regularly. Eventually I slipped into my old habit of not eating anything until around 5 o’clock that night, which meant dinner might be at 1030…SO UNHEALTHY!
If you read my blog, you know that it’s come to my attention that Mike has “affections” for another woman. I was devastated. The fact that they never actually met in person, left me with a glimmer of hope.
It wasn’t until a couple nights ago when a fellow blogger, Sharn at Spankalicious (someone I think of as a friend) pointed out to me that Mike was “all wrong for you!” I asked her why. She said “He’s made it very clear how he feels and you deserve better.” Another pal, Linda at Berlinda Expat Eye On Germany, reiterated as much.
I’ve been told this by friends before. But no one has ever used the language that “he is all wrong for you!” Like my marriage, I kept thinking there was something I was doing wrong that could effect a change.
It finally sunk in! It’s not that I deserve “better”. I’m not sure they come any better. Few have shown me the love and kindness than he has. However, I do deserve someone who wants me as much as I want him, if not more. He also leads a very disciplined, orderly lifestyle. (Which is part of his appeal.) I am disciplined, but very ADHD.
I love him, and I will always love him. He is my soulmate. But we will never be lovers. I see that now.
Having gained 40 pounds, maybe 4 inches in my waist and beginning to feel arthritic again, it’s time for my reconstruction period to begin.
That being said, I intend to leave this blog behind for now in an effort to make both my body and mind, my primary focus. So CHECK OUT MY NEW BLOG! MARILYN, NAPOLEAN & ME
Hope to see you there! If not, a big THANKS FOR READING THIS ONE!!!
POSTMORTEM: TODAY IS FEB. 8, 2016. I AM UP 50 LBS! NOT 40. HOLSY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! MORE ON THAT LATER….