It’s Christmas eve and as I lie here on the sofa watching a movie, listening to my stomach make bizarre noises (from eating zero trans fat cheetos), I can’t help but reflect over the past year.
My son is at his dad’s as per usual, on Christmas eve. I decided to send him off in my car, to my ex with a painting he bought me years ago at an art fair. It’s a beautiful fall scene of an old wooden bench by a tree, painted in acrylics with brilliant colors. The artist was once a close friend of mine, who defaulted to my ex’s camp upon our divorce. He always loved it, and seeing as it was bought as a romantic gesture at the time, it seemed appropriate that he should enjoy it with his current wife as a belated housewarming gift.
Lately, the more time passes, the more holidays leave me feeling like I’m on the outside with my nose pressed up against the glass. They pass and I barely notice it. I can no longer afford to celebrate like I used to. Holidays have become a bit like background noise to me. I know it won’t always be that way. Besides, it can’t! Holidays serve as the milestones that help us mark time. Right?
Frankly, I’m also in too big a hurry to get my new life up and running at full speed. I miss making money!!! I used up so much valuable time foolishly pining over someone, who ultimately didn’t reciprocate. This is time I can’t get back.
I told my son I didn’t want to exchange gifts this year because I can’t afford it and I’d much prefer to make a great dinner. He agreed. But evidently, he and Anuja got me something anyway, (which kinda makes me feel lousy). He insisted, saying that I’ve furnished pretty much their entire apartment. (Anuja came here as a student from India. So of course she traveled light.) Then he closed his eyes and began seeing all the stuff I’d given them. It wasn’t long before I stopped him. He made his point. But I’m his mom. That’s just what mom’s do, isn’t it? (Admittedly I will be making a kick ass beef tenderloin et al for dinner.) But I still feel like a bit of a schmuck
As for the Big Mike debacle, all these years I kept praying and living by (what I know of) the law of attraction, in hopes that he would somehow find the faith and courage to take a chance on romance one last time… with me. He’s such a loving, amazing guy that I wanted him to learn to trust again. He deserves to be loved in a big way. I’ve loved him for years, so it only made sense that it would be me…or so I thought.
The law of attraction worked to a certain degree. He’s finally gone out on that limb… with someone else from his prayer group.
It’s bittersweet. But I’m happy for him regardless. What may have stung more than the rejection was that it made me question LOA. I’m no longer there though.
The universe must know something I don’t. We’ll be friends for life. I wish I’d known this ages ago though. It altered my behavior with the one guy who took my mind off Mike. He moved to Florida 3 years ago. Our two trysts were intimate beyond compare, but I felt like I was being disloyal to Mike somehow. Pretty silly, I know. I still find myself wanting to be with him and getting to know him better. Occasionally, he will send me a random selfie, without any words. ??
Again… nose pressed to the glass.
Mike is back in Indiana with his daughter and grandaughters having the time of his life, having pulled off a surprise visit to the little ones. I was so happy when I heard he was going, it made me cry. His mom recently passed away and they all need this.
I recently had occasion to watch some old home videos on vhs because my friend, Joe, offered to transfer a couple to dvd for me. That can be a dangerous, but revealing, proposition.
I have four brothers (two older and two younger) and one sister. I haven’t seen or spoken to them in several years, not since mom died.
Decades ago, when my parents sold the house, we had a family barbecue as “the final hurrah”. I rented a video camera for the event. My brothers were all standing around the grill “hamming it up” for the camera trying to outdo one another. (I must admit, they are very funny guys when they aren’t being total jerks.)
What stood out to me was how much outside “the circle” I felt. It wasn’t because they were trying to make me feel that way. It’s just that my humor doesn’t lend itself to poking fun at people’s vulnerabilities. They are masters at it and much tougher than I am. It always made me uneasy to see them tear each other up in jest. I was always accused of being too sensitive. After mom died they unleashed an attack on me, only it wasn’t in jest. (While it stung, I’m so much happier not having them in my life. What is unforgivable is they “threw the baby (my son who is an only child) out with the bath water”. Their loss!) Again…nose against the glass.
So, where is all this leading? Not where you might think.
Mom always said that I was a “late bloomer”. Granted that’s an oversimplification in this situation. I’d like the think that I’ve blossomed on several occasions, but like a good perennial, the flower appears to die, only to come back stronger and heartier the following spring.
When Mike was a toddler I was quite taken by the musical “The Secret Garden”. So of course, I tore up the backyard and planted 400 bulbs and 39 varieties of perennials (by myself) to create our own “secret garden”.
When I went to plant clematis (my favorite flowering vine) everyone told me it wouldn’t grow more than three or four feet the first year because the wood needs to develop, which can only occur with time and strong roots.
I read somewhere that if you put potassium beneath the roots of a plant, it strengthens it making it far less vulnerable and a much heartier plant. (This was before 911 when you could still buy potassium. Evidently it’s used in making bombs). I kept that bag for 2 years. My clematis grew to be 14 feet long, with dozens of enormous blooms, the first summer.
My days are spent doing little, other than singing, pitching myself, learning lyrics, creating arcs for shows, working on my website and trying to retrain my brain from living in a perpetual state of fear, to living in a perpetual state of gratitude. I don’t socialize. I’m not dating. I rarely even get out except for gigs and to run occasional errands. I quit the little job I took. (I’ll write more about that later.) This is my “potassium”.
While working on a my Tin Pan Alley show, I realized that some of the most influential people in the world were on the outside looking in. I’ve come to realize there’s a lot to be said for this vantage point.
I never stop thinking, planning or creating and frankly I LOVE every minute of it! It consumes me. Ideas come into my head and in a flash, I’m off to the races. There isn’t a day that passes where I haven’t shed at least one tear of gratitude. And if in some bizarro world, my dream of becoming a successful singer doesn’t come true, I’ll be grateful that I learned the value of gratitude and eradication of fear. But, trust me…I believe in me!
I was putting together a calendar the other day for 2015 and realized, I have 8 gigs booked, two of them at a theatre for a one woman show/concert. Things are picking up. People are beginning to call me because of word of mouth. That’s how I built my business of 30 years without even a website!
I’m on a mission! If that means traveling light, sans socializing with friends, or big festive holidays and shopping trips, than so be it. There will be time enough for that later down the road. Nothing gives me greater joy than singing and seeing faces of audiences who are along with me on the ride.
In the meantime, I am literally high on gratitude most of the time. The law of attraction works… No question!
I was invited to be part of a Google study. They came to Chicago but had to leave early and still paid me $125. However, the payment was to take few weeks and I needed the cash now.
Today I received an email saying the money was there! I paid a bill with it. Things like this keep happening for me. “The more you are grateful for, the more you will have to be grateful for“. And I for one am very grateful for that knowledge!
I have a handful of amazing friends and a wonderful son, who have managed to stay with me on this crazy ride I’ve chosen for myself. I’m so grateful and feel blessed to have them in my life. They know who they are.
Speaking of gratitude… THANK YOU FOR READING MY BLOG!!!!!! Just knowing that you’re out there makes my frequent state of solitude seem a little less weird. 🙂
I’m hoping to hit 10,000 views before 2015. It’s a lofty goal and I’m sure that’s peanuts to some of you who have reads in the six figures. But it makes me happy. I’m currently at 9,165…
CHEERS TO YOU AND YOURS!