I’ve been grappling with so many ideas lately, it makes my head spin. I have a fire in my belly to write. I’ve never been “blocked.” On the contrary, it seems that I’m always blocking myself in the name of propriety.
My bff, Mike, tells me that’s a generational hangup. (As a young lady, I was forever being admonished for not being “more aloof”.) Mike tells me, that mentality is something of the past. Is it?
I admit to being a bit of a coward when it comes to sticking my neck out by telling my stories. I’m like a rubber band. The farther I stretch myself, the more I recoil in second guessing myself for having gone out on a limb.
The frustrating thing about this is, I don’t have regrets about the choices I’ve made in terms of these stories. I’m grateful to have the life that I have. Frankly, I’m grateful to have had some of these experiences because it means I’ve lived boldly. Perhaps that’s what drives me to want to write about them.
So, what’s the dilemma? Right? The dilemma is the potential impact that telling some stories publicly might have on the people I love and care about.
To be clear, we’re not talking “50 shades of Grey” here. On the contrary, while I’ve has a couple attempts at ménages, (one with 2 men and one with a man and a woman.) The end result was laughable and anything BUT sexy! But I think they’re are funny stories and perhaps, may serve as a cautionary tale for anyone considering it.
Not much embarasses me. But I’m afraid the ones I love (my two Mikes) might be embarrassed for me. That’s the heart of my dilemma. I never want to do anything to hurt those I love. The irony is, I’m not a mean person by any stretch of the imagination. (Just don’t cross me! Lol.) That being said, I am who I am.
You might wonder what is bringing about all this soul searching. I have a birthday coming up in a few days. It’s the year before a big one! So I’m finding myself feeling somewhat reflective. I have to wonder, at what point do I say “Fuck it?” This is who I am. I’m not a bad person. I’ve made wonky choices which has led me to be me. And frankly, I like me! I’m high maintenance, a little eccentric, colorful, a royal pain in the ass, but also kind and generous to a fault.
I’m also working on a book, (which I hope sees the light of day). One of the reasons I love singing so much is, my soul is completely bared when I sing. There’s no holding back. I need to have the same freedom in my writing. I’d also like to think that, maybe someone may gain from reading about some of the messes I’ve gotten myself into. At the very least, I hope you’re able to laugh at them as I am, in retrospect.
That being said, I’ve since spoken with the two Mikes and they’ve encouraged me to be myself and let it fly!
All I know is, this is me. It’s all that I’ve got and that’s ok. I like me. If people don’t want to listen to my music because of my writing, then that’s just too bad.
If you’re still with me after all that, please stay tuned, because I plan on spending the next few days writing stories that are long past due. (Like the time I had an affair with a 34 year old virgin. Sweetest guy EVER! We broke the bed.) I’m also hoping to do a “post mortem” on some of the guys I wrote about previously. A “Where Are They Now? ” kind of thing.
Cheers! Thanks HEAPS for reading this!