Ever feel like your brain is like a color wheel spinning round in your head? Do you wonder what color it will land on today? While I’m not even aware of it at the time, it’s become quite clear to me in retrospect, as I look back on old blog posts, that each post or day seems to be a different color.
Some days are green and full of hope. Some are fiery red with passion and desire. Some are blue with brooding or questioning. Some are yellow in reaching out a hopeful ray of sunshine in the form of a positive message or revelation. I think one of my favorites would have to be orange days, where I’m clearly feeling zesty with a sense of wild abandon and curiosity. (I’ve had a lot of orange days.)
In looking back I’ve discovered that my colors have become somewhat muted. I don’t like that…AT ALL!! In fact, IT SUCKS!
I have to ask myself, to what end have I muted my colors?
In the past two years, it seems that I’ve been trying to make sure to “color inside the lines” by not doing or saying anything that might upset or offend those who are close to me or play a major role in my livelihood.
The result feels like I’m taking beautiful, brightly colored fruits like mango, watermelon, peaches, kiwis, purple plums, cherries and Ruby red pomegranates and blackberries and tossing them all into a blender. It turns into a lovely shade of muted grayish green! Granted, it may go down smoothly but I miss all the individual flavors. (In case this sounds like I’m bipolar, I’m not. But I am an artist. Make sense?)
I DON’T WANT TO BE A FUCKING SMOOTHIE!
When I look back on my blog in contemplation of the book I want to write, I can’t help but ask myself, “What happened to this crazy effervescent spirit who was willing to try anything? Where did she disappear to? Too many set backs? Knock you off your pins a bit? Tough shit! That only means you’re that much closer to your end game if only by process of elimination!
You won’t get to where you’re headed by hiding under a rock. When are you going to stop trying to please people with self-censureship? NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! THEY ARE TOO BUSY WORRYING ABOUT THEIR COLORS!”
I come from predominately Irish/German Catholic family with 5 sibs. If I had a dollar for everytime I’ve been asked by my family, “Do you EVER THINK before speaking?” I’d be a millionaire. Years ago (after my mother died) I finally jumped ship for all our sakes and we haven’t spoken in years. It was the right choice for all concerned. (They would REALLY HATE MY BLOG! 🙂 )
Thinking is highly overrated. Hell! Recent studies prove that EQ (Emotional Quotient, aka emotional IQ) is a much greater predicter of your success potential than a IQ (Intelligence Quotient).
Feeling is where it’s at. And I feel ALOT. Becoming muted has only made me isolated and out of shape. This doesn’t work! It’s not the life I want for myself.
I’m crying “uncle!” I surrender. Fear has held me back long enough. And to what end? It hasn’t gotten me the things I want in life anyway.
We all know the definition of madness is trying to achieve a different end by using the same means over and over again. I’m choosing to recognize my color of the day and all the colorful days behind me and ahead of me. Fuck it!
Don’t apologize for your colors! Be kind and grateful to those who love you and compassionate to those in need. Don’t go out of your way to be mean or spiteful. BE CURIOUS and let your freak flag fly!
What are your colors? What color are you today? I think I’ll be green today, the color of hope!
Better yet, what are your FAVORITE colors? Doesn’t matter what they are. Let ’em fly! It won’t last forever anyway because the wheel never stops spinning. So ENJOY THEM ALL!!!!!!!