Why Hook-Ups Suck! (A Sex Fairy Tale)

In Honor of St. Patrick’s Day, I am disclosing my weakness for Irish men. I am Irish and it’s a dance that is all too familiar. As charming as they may be, I now try to avoid them like the plague.

PART ONE…”PRINCE” LIAM

Once upon a time there was a young girl named Blossom who had fallen in love one summer, with a handsome Prince, Edward. However, as the summer came to a close she was summoned home separating them.

In that time, he traveled to distant lands, got married, divorced, and was gone from her life for 37 years. Upon his return, she foolishly thought they were meant to be together. As fate would have it she was mistaken. Alas, she was profoundly sad and ran away into the the deep dark forest called online dating.

Just as it was growing dark and cold. She is  tired and hungry for affection when she spots three cottages in the woods. So she takes shelter in the nearest one.

Upon entering she is greeted by Prince Liam. He is a tall good looking Irish prince with beautiful blue eyes and prematurely white hair. She confessed that she is tired and cold. He suggests they lay together and keep each other warm. They become playful with one another and things go much further than anticipated. But she has no regrets, as she is beginning to fall for him.

After parting, they become somewhat obsessed with one another. She hopes he might take her mind off Edward. They spend about 20 hours a week texting, sexting and emailing. Upon her return home Blossom receives an invitation to visit Liam’s castle in a land far away. (Aka the suburbs! )

He says that if she visits him there, she will find the door to his castle unlocked and she should let herself in. He promises that upon her arrival she will find him naked on the bed with his “sceptor” in one hand and her picture in the other.

She has her coachman (aka occasional limo driver) take her to his Castle, for fear she might lose her way in the strange unfamiliar land (the suburbs).

She is excited at the thought of seeing him again. He texts a few times to confirm that she is en route. Blossom’s heart races with both anticipation and fear. What is she getting herself into?

When she enters his castle, she is greeted by a snow white dog who must be expecting her because he doesn’t make a sound as she enters the Liam’s spotlessly clean abode.

When she enters the bedroom, she is stunned at the sight of Prince Liam who is lying on the bed exactly as promised, naked with his sceptor in hand.

What a vision!

For a moment she thinks “This is amazing, but I must be crazy!” But he looks sooo inviting. She really likes him a lot and his body makes her a little crazy.

“Is that really my picture? You’re just teasing me. Right?”

“No.” He turned his phone around to reveal her picture.

He rises from the bed and is clearly happy to see her. She stands in front of his dresser facing the mirror, trembling. He crosses from the bed and approaches her where he slowly undresses her from behind while ever so gently touching and kissing the back of her neck as she watches him in the mirror. Is she was doing the right thing? After his second kiss, she’s a goner.

He very slowly and gently unbuttons each button on her blouse while observing her reaction in the mirror. She feels like she’s in a trance. He savors every moment and is in no hurry. When she feels shy and a little self concious, he reassures her not only in words, but by movubg even slower.The time he took w, convinced her.

Blossom had never known this kind of excitement before. And this was not exactly her first time at the rodeo…

It was as though their bodies fit together perfectly. The connection was so intense, her fairy godmother appears 4 times in two hours. Each time she is greeted with screams of delight.

After the last round of “fireworks” he springs out of bed, returning with a warm washcloth, hands it to her and walks around the bed waiting for to get up leave. The temperature in the room suddenly grows cold. She could almost hear her heart crack as a result of going from such intense heat to, what felt to her like, an Arctic blast.it was as though the bell rang and it was time for her to leave.

(If this experience taught me nothing else, it taught me to communicate and never assume anything! He could see that I was upset and tried tried to fix it. But I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Neither one of us had ever had an encounter like that before. Everyone responds differently.)

Later she surmised that had she not been brought to the strange land by her coachmen (who was visiting a casino to kill time) things might have gone differently.

On the way home her coachman seizes the opportunity to knock the crown off Prince Liam’s head and while denigrating both of them saying she was just another notch on his belt. (It isn’t until 2 years later that she realize that perhaps he was offended by the fact that she was too nervous to drive herself. It no longer mattered.)

For the next two years they talk, text, email and bicker. He is relocated to Florida to live near the king and queen, as they are getting on in years. They remained somewhat obsessed with each other but always from a distance.

Blossom had a tendency to look at him with rose colored glasses.
Because she wanted it to work. Not onlybecause she likedhim. But she longed for someone to come along and take her mind off Edward.

Prince Liam told her she was like “crack” and couldn’t stop thinking of her. But that was only after moving 2000 miles away. They stayed in touch sporadically for two years).

She decided that although the sex was hotter than blazes, it wasn’t worth the arctic chill that followed. He always accused her of making assumptions. But when she asked for clarification, he was silent.

So in the end, this house was far too
cold.

.