I can’t sleep. I went to bed shortly before midnight and woke at 230. That was two and a half hours ago.
My mind wanders like mad when that happens. Here’s the upshot of that wandering…
I think I’m going to give up this blog. I still want to write. I love writing. But if you read my blog, you’ll know I’ve had a few setbacks lately. The Mike debacle being a huge one. Having been that delusional or tenacious for that long, had really shaken me up, causing me to re-evaluate everything.
There’s also the dilemma of my blog popping up on a search of my name, which may hinder my ability to secure work. I spent hours deleting all the tweets about it, because I’d forgotten that my twitter account was on my business card.
There’s also the fact that my parents would be horrified, if they were alive to read it. (Although, that’s a very small piece of my decision.)
I realize that while I’ve written some very positive posts, but the majority of them are about failed dates, etc. Hell! It all started, my decision to date and also blog, as a kneejerk reaction to that kiss from Mike.
It’s safe to say, that will never happen again and considering it was the impetus to both, I think I prefer to put it all out of my mind and move forward. I’m not sure I can do that and keep this blog.
I’m stuck! Now I find myself thinking about Prince Liam in Florida. WTF! It suddenly occurs to me that I’m terrified of real intimacy. I wanted that so desperately with Mike, particularly after he told me I was his soul mate. But after so many bait and switches, I’ve become like pavlov’s other dog, the one who was taught disappointment so he stopped responding to the bell.
Someone very dear to me, Rebecca, pointed out years ago that Mike “loves you very much. But he is terrified to pull the trigger and has told you he can’t because he’s convinced himself of that. He won’t pull it. He’s an amazing friend. Leave it alone!” Did I listen? No! I told myself intermittently, ” Face it, he’s just not into you.” But she said, “That’s ridiculous! The man calls you everyday. He’s thinking about you, every day!”
In truth, I think my blog may have been the nail in the coffin. He’s rather conservative and may have found my sexual shenanigans, to be a bit much.
Rebecca was right about leaving it alone.. But what ultimately happened (while suffering a myriad of mixed messages from him) is, I am now equally terrified! Which must be why I’m pining away for someone in Florida who was amazing in bed, but who I barely even know, except that he’s a very sexy artist (his commercial graphics work is sexy.) The distance makes it safe! Duh!
What pisses me off the most is, I NEVER USED TO BE THIS WAY!!! I also used to be somewhat more reserved. That ship has sailed…
When I began blogging I also had goofy fantasies that maybe it could somehow get people to listen to/support my singing career…another brainless idea.
(In my own defense, the director of the TV show, SECOND CITY TV, once said to me, ” You remind me of Catherine O’Hara. She would have 100 ideas, 99 of which were crap! But you always had to listen because 100 was golden!” I keep waiting for.my “golden moment”. So far…oops!)
My blog has over 7300 “reads” in about 8 months. But I think it’s mostly because I did a post about my obsession with butts, posting pics. People are googling “butts” and “kisses” and find me from the images.
While it says I have 45 subscribers, I suspect only about 5 of them ever actually read my stuff. (Sean Smithson tipped me off that in order to get their numbers up, some people will “follow” you so that you’ll follow them back. Not my scene. If I follow you, I’m reading your stuff!) SO THANK YOU!! It gives me a lift when I hear from you!
All that being said, I’m not sure if it’s sleep deprivation or just an epiphany. But I think the sooner I put all this behind me, the better. (I’m also back on okc, and there’s nothing to report…seems to be variation on a theme of jerks!)
If I do abort, I will likely start a new blog based on my desire to lose the extra inches I gained last winter and my “test” of the effectiveness of “The Secret” and the teachings of Napoleon Hill, with a splash of Buddha thrown in for good measure.
I’m not sure if these are middle of the night ravings of a madwoman, or common sense. I’m going sleep on it. The thought of giving it up makes me sad. It’s been cathartic. The support of some of my fellow bloggers had been The most UNEXPECTED PLEASURE! I only hope they will follow me to my new blog, if I make the move. Regardless, I would continue to read your stuff!
Feel free to comment. Unless of course, you are here for the butt pictures…