I can’t sleep. I went to bed shortly before midnight and woke at 230. That was two and a half hours ago.
My mind wanders like mad when that happens. Here’s the upshot of that wandering…
I think I’m going to give up this blog. I still want to write. I love writing. But if you read my blog, you’ll know I’ve had a few setbacks lately. The Mike debacle being a huge one. Having been that delusional or tenacious for that long, had really shaken me up, causing me to re-evaluate everything.
There’s also the dilemma of my blog popping up on a search of my name, which may hinder my ability to secure work. I spent hours deleting all the tweets about it, because I’d forgotten that my twitter account was on my business card.
There’s also the fact that my parents would be horrified, if they were alive to read it. (Although, that’s a very small piece of my decision.)
I realize that while I’ve written some very positive posts, but the majority of them are about failed dates, etc. Hell! It all started, my decision to date and also blog, as a kneejerk reaction to that kiss from Mike.
It’s safe to say, that will never happen again and considering it was the impetus to both, I think I prefer to put it all out of my mind and move forward. I’m not sure I can do that and keep this blog.
I’m stuck! Now I find myself thinking about Prince Liam in Florida. WTF! It suddenly occurs to me that I’m terrified of real intimacy. I wanted that so desperately with Mike, particularly after he told me I was his soul mate. But after so many bait and switches, I’ve become like pavlov’s other dog, the one who was taught disappointment so he stopped responding to the bell.
Someone very dear to me, Rebecca, pointed out years ago that Mike “loves you very much. But he is terrified to pull the trigger and has told you he can’t because he’s convinced himself of that. He won’t pull it. He’s an amazing friend. Leave it alone!” Did I listen? No! I told myself intermittently, ” Face it, he’s just not into you.” But she said, “That’s ridiculous! The man calls you everyday. He’s thinking about you, every day!”
In truth, I think my blog may have been the nail in the coffin. He’s rather conservative and may have found my sexual shenanigans, to be a bit much.
Rebecca was right about leaving it alone.. But what ultimately happened (while suffering a myriad of mixed messages from him) is, I am now equally terrified! Which must be why I’m pining away for someone in Florida who was amazing in bed, but who I barely even know, except that he’s a very sexy artist (his commercial graphics work is sexy.) The distance makes it safe! Duh!
What pisses me off the most is, I NEVER USED TO BE THIS WAY!!! I also used to be somewhat more reserved. That ship has sailed…
When I began blogging I also had goofy fantasies that maybe it could somehow get people to listen to/support my singing career…another brainless idea.
(In my own defense, the director of the TV show, SECOND CITY TV, once said to me, ” You remind me of Catherine O’Hara. She would have 100 ideas, 99 of which were crap! But you always had to listen because 100 was golden!” I keep waiting for.my “golden moment”. So far…oops!)
My blog has over 7300 “reads” in about 8 months. But I think it’s mostly because I did a post about my obsession with butts, posting pics. People are googling “butts” and “kisses” and find me from the images.
While it says I have 45 subscribers, I suspect only about 5 of them ever actually read my stuff. (Sean Smithson tipped me off that in order to get their numbers up, some people will “follow” you so that you’ll follow them back. Not my scene. If I follow you, I’m reading your stuff!) SO THANK YOU!! It gives me a lift when I hear from you!
All that being said, I’m not sure if it’s sleep deprivation or just an epiphany. But I think the sooner I put all this behind me, the better. (I’m also back on okc, and there’s nothing to report…seems to be variation on a theme of jerks!)
If I do abort, I will likely start a new blog based on my desire to lose the extra inches I gained last winter and my “test” of the effectiveness of “The Secret” and the teachings of Napoleon Hill, with a splash of Buddha thrown in for good measure.
I’m not sure if these are middle of the night ravings of a madwoman, or common sense. I’m going sleep on it. The thought of giving it up makes me sad. It’s been cathartic. The support of some of my fellow bloggers had been The most UNEXPECTED PLEASURE! I only hope they will follow me to my new blog, if I make the move. Regardless, I would continue to read your stuff!
Feel free to comment. Unless of course, you are here for the butt pictures…
Yours Truly,
Julie
NANODATING the blog... 
I do like butt pictures but that’s not why I’m here 😉 Did things seem any clearer in the morning?
I know. You’re great! Actually, not so much. It’s kind of a big loss to give it up. Silly as it tongue, I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with the word nanodating in this context. (It’s usually a computer word) But I want to shake the old baggage of some of these guys.
The bigger issue is I see doors closing to me from people I know personally who have read my blog. People who came to my show no dating, that were close friends, or so I thought, we’re quite shocked. I don’t really care about that as much as potential performance doors closing to me. If I were your age I wouldn’t care! But I feel like the clock is ticking…. Did that make sense?
Yep, that’s the danger with it all. For every door that opened for me, I got so much hate from strangers and dissent from friends that I started to wonder if it was worth it at all. Then again, I enjoy writing and I hope I have some interesting things to say, so why should I really give a toss what people think? 😉 If the same thing happened again in Germany though… I’m not sure I could do it again! But like you, I’d hate to give it up! I doubt that helped at all – sorry 😉
It helps a lot! Difference being, it hasn’t “opened” any doors for me that I can think of. It would be different if it had.
There is one great blessing that comes from it all, which I never anticipated in a million years! Making, what I hope, are new friends! Like YOU and a few other fellow bloggers. I wouldn’t give that up for anything.
I’m going to see my son in a while and get his take on it. He knows me better than anyone and often has insights that I would miss.
Thanks Linda. If I take the leap, I hope to see you there. 😉
Count on it!
You just made my night girl! Thanks! I talked to my son about it today. He suggested starting the new blog and just leave this be for now. I think that’s a good idea. 🙂
If it’s what you feel more comfortable with, then go for it 🙂 Just make sure I don’t miss your last post!
You bet! I think more than anything, I just want my anonymity back so if doesn’t negatively impact my effots at a career. (Tough to unring a bell.)
I changed my name to Julie Cacher (“hidden” in French.) If you have any ideas, I’d love to hear them. Btw, your blog had brought some very cool opportunities, I.e working on the promotional latvian video and being contacted by the Latvians in California. Both are a big deal!
Yeah, some nice stuff came out of it, but there were a lot of negative things as well. I even lost some friends over it – but I guess they weren’t really friends to begin with. No great loss 😉
The new blog is ticking over nicely (over 10,000 hits) and there’s no hate so that suits me just fine! I don’t want to be anonymous in case something comes out of it, but I don’t want to be ‘famous’ again either!
That’s fantastic! I’m sure you’ll be publishing one of these days. You’re also great press for Germany! Seriously. Your perspective humanizes the place for some of us 🙂 It’s very cool.
That reminds me. Have you heard from Sean at all lately?
No actually. I was thinking of sending him a message, but I think he’s over the whole blogging thing. Sort of think we’re ‘friends’ outside of that but who knows!
And thank you for your kind words on the German blog! I feel like I’m still finding my way with it – it’s such a great place but I don’t want the blog to give people a toothache either 😉
There’s no way that’s gonna happen. Eventually, I suspect, you’re gonna meet some cutie, who will no doubt inspire a few posts.
Btw, or sticks that you lost some friends over your blog. But they weren’t really true friends. So your better off without them. They must have been pretty shallow and perhaps a bit jealous.
Yeah, exactly. It stung at the time but now I realise they were never really friends anyway. Real friends support you in whatever you choose to do, whether they agree with it or not. My friends in Ireland thought I was mad to move to Poland/Latvia but they all stood by me! And enjoyed the ride 😉
I bet!! It does sting. But you’re so much better off without them. They were probably weighing you down anyway
🙂
Probably 😉 I feel like I’ve made more real friends here in a few weeks than I did in LV in 4 years. It really is a great move for me. 🙂
I knew it would be! Don’t forget prediction… 🙂
I’m so happy for you!!!!!!
Thank you! So glad I made the change! And wrote about it 🙂 Honestly, blogging got me through the last couple of years – I would have been one morose mofo without it 😉 The online support you get is just amazing!
That’s fantastic! You deserve it.
I want to be more candid in my writing, which is why the anonymity factor is important to me. Then again, I’m rethinking things career wise as well.
Yeah, I can see why anonymity is important with some subject matter, and in relation to career. I hope you get it all figured out!
Thanks for helping me through this!!! I think mostly, I hated feeling like I had to muzzle myself. When I first started blogging, I envisioned one enhancing the other. Now I see they can be mutually exclusive. I LOVE THAT!!! This is gonna be fun. ..
Ha, glad you figured it out! Sometimes it just helps to let out a stream of consciousness and see what comes out of it 🙂
I guess! Thanks fir helping to make that happen. 🙂
I think I just had a moment!! I still have stories to tell, (like the scammer in Liverpool that I fell for early on.)
What bugged me was, if you Google me, even my comments on other blogs popped up. Too weird for me, particularly taken out of context.
I think I’m gonna keep going, particularly since new I can say “fuck it!” without it showing up on Google. 🙂
I’d like to hear you’re take on it. The other pieces I really am desperately trying to remain positive and I’m curious to blog about my attempts.