As I lie in bed going through some of the many things in grateful for, I find myself thanking the universe for my weight loss. (No. You didn’t miss a thing. I’m projecting into the future. ..at least, I’m trying to.)
In so doing, I briefly harken back to a time (about 3 years ago) when I lost 50 lbs. primarily through exercise. I had tons of energy, enthusiasm and was filled with joy, most of the time. From this vantage point, the thought of working out or even just stretching (which used to be my favorite) feels like it would be like asking a donkey to get on a giant hamster wheel. The biggest challenge being, getting myself to stay focused on the task long enough to actually get there. So many other torus get in the way. You can lead a donkey to the wheel, but you can’t make it spin.
As I lie here, trying to get in touch with my inner body and alleviate any stressful enegy, I’m reminded that this “blob” of intellect, talent, ingenuity, muscle and bones, covered in the maleable, somewhat dangerous substance called fat, has a wee bit of sense memory left.
I don’t know if this will help, but it occurs to me that I’ve completely lost sight of the fact that IF I start working out, I will feel smaller, tighter and in more control of not only my body, but my voice. When contemplating the potential outcome, I seldom take into consideration the fact that it’s not a race of just a start and a finish with a colossal struggle. It doesn’t have to be a struggle. There would actually be tremendous rewards along the way! Not only in knowing that I’ve begun, but in feeling my own strength again and knowing it’s there.
When I lost 6 dress sizes and 50 lbs a couple years ago, it was preceded by an experience during an accupuncture treatment when “Nick the needle man” left me on the table loaded with needles, the.lights dimmed and heat lamps on my body. He played my favorite ocean CD and let me doze. I was floatjng in that half awake, half dream state when I saw my image shaking (much like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown). Only instead of dirt eminating from my body, it was fat! My body shook and shook and before I knew it, my clothes were way too big for me!! When I got up from the table I knew my life had just shifted in a wonderful direction. I could feel it. I was right.
All this is to say that, as important as it is that I get there, I don’t know if having these thoughts will help me to focus long enough to make a start.
However, I’d like to think that if nothing else, it brings me a step closer to the reminder that shame, guilt, vanity and fear will NEVER get me there. On the contrary, it requires a great deal of self love and appreciation for who I am and what I’m both capable and worthy of so that one day, when I wake up and try to feel my inner self, it’s a shorter task because the package that is my body, is smaller, tighter and more cohesive. Heck maybe I’d even spend the additional time thinking about how great sex is!