A Kiss Can Change Your World View
One night I was poking around on Linked in. Lo and behold, I found someone who I’d looked for seven years prior, while still married, to no avail. (I just was curious… I’ve never cheated!) He was my very first love when I was 15 years old. So I shot him an e-mail not expecting any response. (His profile said he was in the hospitality biz. As kids, he wanted to be a vet and I wanted to be an actor/singer. I figured with my luck, he was probably a gay cruise director!)
As Murphy’s Law would have it, because I didn’t anticipate a response, naturally I heard back from him. I think I scared my staff that evening as I shrieked aloud when I received a positive response.
We made a phone date for him to call me one evening at work. This was followed by several more phone dates. We emailed back and forth regularly and enjoyed a rather steamy relationship…from a safe distance of approx. 250 miles. He lives in Indiana.
He had made quite an impact on me as a girl. I named my only son after him. He was never anything but sweet, kind and funny to me. He was responsible for my first “excitement” in the balcony of a vacant dark theatre on campus. I was in semi formalwear. I even remember the pale yellow bikini briefs with lace trim that I was wearing at the time. (Probably because I couldn’t understand why they were soaking wet! I knew I hadn’t wet my pants. What’s up with that? ) We really had no idea what we were doing, as we passionately groped one another in the dark. The sense of passion, excitement, danger and sheer lust was palpable. My virginity remained intact. But it was years before I was to experience that kind of excitement again. I fell in love that summer… as much as a 15 year old girl falls in love.
We made a date for him to come to my place for lunch, preparing me in advance that he wanted to take things very slowly. I was stunned and somewhat disappointed at that decision, having exchanged some rather exciting emails and phone calls over the past two months.
I was riddled with anticipation over his visit. He had gotten his pilot’s license a few years earlier. I’d never known any pilots before. I worried about his safety. So he began to educate me about weather how to read to read aviation weather maps.
I was so nervous in preparation for his visit that I turned on the weather Channel with the volume off. I kept it on the entire two or three hours he was here. Really Julie? Don’t I sound fascinating? I must have I thought if he got bored with me or we had nothing to talk about, we could always watch the weather channel… Clearly I never considered that if it was a total bust, the afternoon would simply end quickly. Pretty goofy! But that’s me all over…
In addition to the weather channel, I had downloaded some of our favorite music from that era in an effort to create a mood of nostalgia. Then it occurred to me, I needed an iDoc, fast! I frantically sent my son out scrounging nearby neighborhood stores for me. He came back from Walgreens with a hot pink metallic docking station. But he took off before showing me how to use it. (I was completely ignorant of those things back then.)
Mike arrived a few minutes early, which is never a good thing for thing for this ADHD poster child! I wasn’t ready. I told him to come up the back way. As I looked over the balcony, I saw that he he had grown 6 or 7 inches taller since I last saw him. (I love looking up to a tall man.) I felt like Juliet as I threw my apartment keys down to Romeo. Was this really happening after 37 years? Holy crap!
He came in. I have little recollection of what happened next. All I remember was seeing those beautiful blue eyes in the very familiar face of a man who I hadn’t seen in 37 years and who now towered over me. I ran to finish getting ready in the master bath and directed him to the guest bathroom to freshen up after his 3 hour drive.
We had a wonderful time. I felt a bit like I was on parade as he sat at my kitchen bar watching me as I grilled chicken breast and asparagus, and cooked wild rice and bush beans. (I fondly refer to the latter combination as “Swedish rice and beans”. My ex was a Swede from MN and these two foods were daily staples when visiting the cabins in the north woods… I digress.)
After lunch we sat on the sofa and talked. He showed me family pictures on his computer and filled in a lot of blanks. It wasn’t too difficult to keep a tabs on my libido, as it had been dormant for so long. I had grown inured to rejection thanks to the old ex husband. I also hadn’t not been touched by a man in years. So while the fantasies he and I shared prior to his visit were pretty steamy, this was destined to be a very “safe” reunion.
After visiting for a few hours he had a three hour drive ahead of him. It was wonderful to be with him again and I didn’t want it to end. Being on my best behavior, I gave him a hug goodbye. He was headed for the door when, before I knew it, he turned around ….
Remember the scene in E.T., when ET drinks a beer, but Elliott is the one to get drunk? Elliott passionately saves the frogs in science class from dissection by running around and setting them all free and then boldly and passionately plants a kiss on the little blonde girl.
Suddenly Mike was Elliott, and I was the little blonde girl! He turned around and grabbed me. Then he planted this AMAZING kiss on me! Holy Shit! My sense memory kicked into high gear. Suddenly I was 15 again in my evening gown and soggy knickers, on the floor of Eppley Auditorium at Culver Military Academy. I WAS STUNNED! That was my first passionate kiss in over five years! You could have knocked me over with a feather. It took my breath away. Just as I realized what was happening, he was on his way out the door. WTF!
I would love to tell you that we fell madly in love and are living happily together. But that’s how fairy tales end.
Alas, that was the one and only kiss. Suffice it to say, we ventured out onto a road of rediscovery and romance, but it was full of twists and turns only to be a dead end in terms of romance. Too much time had passed. He’s had a fascinating life.
But he’s resigned to never getting involved with anyone ever again. In spite of the fact that he still had a love letter I’d written 37 years earlier along with a few other mementos from that summer, he decided he had no interest in ever venturing down that road again. Albeit, it was quite sometime before he reached that decision. I learned a lot about how guys think in that time.
We’ve become the best of friends. At one time he told me that I was his soul mate. I used to believe that if you are lucky enough to find a soul mate, there would naturally be romantic involvement. Then my friend of 34 years, who is a gay man, also told me I was his soul mate. He’s right. They are both right. And I consider myself incredibly blessed to be able to say that.
The kiss set off a maelstrom in me. Up until that day, I had resigned myself to the prospect of an early grave from lousy health. My marriage had trained me to pick my battles wisely. (Or so I thought…)
The desire for physical passion was no longer a battle worth waging. My sexual desire was left behind on the battlefield like a bloody corpse. Regeneration was not even a remote possibility. Somewhere along the way I got lost. I had become invisible not only to men, but pretty much everyone. I was celibate for 12 years before I finally had sex again. 12 YEARS! I had become “re-virginated!” LOL! (But that’s another story, which I will write about later. It’s pretty funny.)
That single solitary kiss kicked my ass and my libido into overdrive. Suddenly I wanted to live to be an old lady. Maybe even a SEXY old lady! I knew that in order to achieve that end, drastic action was in order. My mother taught me yoga when I was five years old and I used to be fairly limber. Now I was practically crawling up the stairs from access weight. How the fuck did I get to this dark place?
It’s staggering to me how sometimes you can be relatively content or resigned to going along in life accepting the status quo. Then suddenly something happens or someone comes along and shakes all the dead leaves from your tree, leaving it almost bare. It’s staggering until you realize it is ready for new growth. That’s what happened to me. Seconds after Mike walked out the door I began singing. The windows were open and I wanted him to hear me on the way down the stairs. I’ve been singing ever since!
Until that kiss, it had been five years since I’d been kissed passionately. Did it stir the pot? Hell Yes!!! Did I want more? ABSOLUTELY! More than anything I simply wanted to live life to its fullest again. I wanted to be touched both emotionally and physically. I started working out, training my voice and engaging in online dating. I closed my successful business after almost 30 years to pursue a singing career I’d abandoned decades ago.
It’s never been not my intention to tell you these stories for shock value. Not by a long shot. I believe that there are women out there, like me, who long to LIVE LIFE OUT LOUD!! Too many of us are walking around like fucking zombies wondering what happened to our passion and sexuality and perfectly content to do so! I’m not one of them, nor will I ever be again!
If my blog can inspire even one single person to grab life by the balls and squeeze tight saying “Bring it on!” then I will be content.
My search for Mr. Right continues. If I happen to meet a few “Mr Right Nows”, then so be it! I’m far from dead and “THE SHOW AIN’T OVER ‘TIL THE FAT LADY SINGS! AND I’M JUST WARMIN” UP FELLAS!!
BTW… That lunch with Mike was almost 4 years ago and we are still BFF’s!