Wax On, Wax Off (Pt. 2)

brazilianI was on my way back to Nordstrom in Oakbrook for another Brazilian wax. But is was a Friday afternoon in Chicago and traffic was made significantly worse by Cubs traffic. There was no way I would ever make it. But I had a date that weekend and was eager to get it done, in spite of the pain from my last venture.

I had been driving about an hour when I called and cancelled, knowing it was futile. My aesthetician was booked on Saturday so I was desperate to find someone to fix me up.

As I got closer to home it was almost 6 and most places would likely be closing. I pulled over to the side of the road, picked up my phone and looked up Brazilian waxing on yelp. There were several, but one stood out because it had five stars and rave reviews. It wasn’t too far from my home.

The reviews had warned that it was a no-frills place. There was nothing fancy about it. The owner was always on her cell phone. They only took cash. And no matter what time of day it was, they would be watching Indian soap operas while threading men and women’s faces. The owner’s name is Dipti. I was desperate and decided to give them a call.

Dipti answered the phone. She is a no-nonsense, straight shooter, sales woman.

“Are you still open?” I asked.

“Yes. Where are you? Are you coming now? Come now. We stay open for you.”

I tried to back out of it. What was I getting myself into?Considering she waxes women all day long for living, she was accustomed to talking them off the ledge. And I felt like I was dangling from the ledge but I really wanted to trim the rough edges off my lawn.

“Okay. I’m on my way. But if I don’t make it don’t worry about waiting for me.” I was such a coward.

“No! We wait for you. What is your name?” she was a master closer.

“Blossom.”

“Okay blossom. See you soon!”

Part of me was really excited at the thought of getting it out of the way. Before starting my car again I took another look at the reviews to make sure I called the right place. Then I remembered why I call this particular salon. The reason she got such great reviews is that she is fast as lightning! That is an invaluable skill when getting waxed. She also does a full Brazilian front and back, which is what I wanted previously. But it is not an option at Nordstrom even though they called it a full Brazilian.

So I walk into this little hole in the wall salon which is located next to a little hole in the wall video store which , judging from the large sandwich board out front, has  a great discount on porn videos.Yikes!

Oddly enough, I noticed a store across the street which sells flooring. It’s owned by someone that I dated once or twice from match.com! I thought that was a riot.

“Dipti?”, I said.

“Are you Blossom?”

“Yes.”

“Good ! You made it. I’ll be with you in a minute.”

“Do you have a bathroom?”

“Yes.” She indicated for one of her assistants to show me where the bathroom was. I walked down the long corridor which had paneling on the left wall and waxing rooms on the right. When I got into the bathroom there were fingerprints on the walls, which kind of grossed me out. This place was in serious need of deep cleaning.

Next I was taken to a room which had a massage table with tears in it . The tears exposed the stuffing which was partially covered by towels and the perfunctory role of white paper. Inside the door was a red curtain which went to the floor, presumably making it easier for Dipti to get in and out of the room.

I was told to take my pants off lay down on the table and shall be shortly. My palms started to sweat! I reluctantly removed my jeans as I looked around and saw some mass of large sheets of muslin, a canister hot wax, box of Kleenex, some talcum powder and what looked like tongue depressors.

I  was getting spooked. I decided to call my aesthetician at Nordstrom to see if she could fit me in the following day.

Betty?? It’s Blossom. Is there any chance you can fit me in tomorrow? I explained where I was and what I was doing. I was afraid I could get some horrible disease because the place really was not clean. I felt like it was doing one of those undercover report on the local news.

 Then it occurred to me that this place wouldn’t have five stars if women were getting clap. And when I considered the temperature of hot wax I realized there was no way any kind of bacteria would survive it.

Dipti came in. So I quickly hung up the phone with Betty. I told her I was going to leave because I was running late for an appointment. (Total Bullshit! I was scared shitless!)

“Don’t worry! Lie down I’m very fast. You’ll see.”

She really gave me no choice. She tried to make small talk as she slathered my left side with molten hot wax. How the hell do you make small talk when looking at a strange woman’s vagina? My heart went out to her. What a way to make a living. And she was so upbeat!

“Okay. You pull skin tight.” She had taken a nine piece of muslin, rubbed it on my body before I knew it , ripped it off with a vengeance of an Olympian!. HOLY SHIT! What was that?? I let out a shriek!

Then, similar to the dog who proudly shows off the mouse he just caught, she held up the large piece of muslin covered in what was once my hair. OMG.

“YOU see? Vee are almost done!”

“Give me a minute please to catch my breath. (I was such a big baby!)

“No. You are fine. Don’t worry! if you worry, you’ll sweat and if you sweat, it hurts more.

Like I had any control over that? Right!

“Open your legs for me. My goodness! You are so limber. Why are you so flexible?”

“I used to be a dancer and started doing yoga at the age of 5.” RIP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You see?’ Almost done. Then she followed that with what might be the equivalence to lint l picking, only she was using the hot muslin to remove any tiny resistant remaining hairs.

I I couldn’t help but sweat. And I’m not a sweaty person by nature. However I started to get into the groove of her rhythm which calmed me down a bit.

When she finished with the front half, she said, “Okay, now lift up your legs open your legs and spread them for me.”

“What for?”

“Vee gonna do the back part now.”

“Really?” I have to admit, I loved this Idea? I Don’t have a clue why we even have hair back there. Clearly a design defect…

So I showed off my “Doin number 17, the spread eagle” (BTW, that’s a reference from the musical Chicago.)

“My god! You’re so flexible for any age. But specially at your age.” That was kind of her to notice. 😉

Two final RRRRRIPPPPS of the back end and we were done! She slathered me talcum powder, and told me if I had any problems to apply Neosporin.

I was quite shaken but thrilled! There is a full length mirror in the room. When I was alone in the room, I took one look at myself and had to laugh.

It was over in less than 10 minutes. I’ve been going to Dipti ever since. At one point I wasn’t dating anyone so I just let things go. When I finally went back to her she said, “Where have you been?”

I explained my situation to which she replied, “Do it for yourself!”

And now that is precisely what I do. I love how clean it feels.

I’ve been going to see her for the last two years. I’ve also gone out of my way to support her business in terms of marketing. She actually invested in overhauling the interior. She painted and put in new flooring. But I still want to take some 409 to the light switches.

She’s an absolutely delightful woman, who I admire the hell out of. Evidently some women come in not having bathed. That’s disgusting. Women should have more respect for one another. I always make it a point to shower shortly before seeing her. Evidently that makes the process a lot easier as well.

Lesson: Don’t be afraid to commit to trying something new. Particularly if your back is to the wall.

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