Death of a Dream…AKA…Phoenix Rising


If you read my blog, you know I’ve been carrying a torch for the past 5 years for a guy named Mike. When we met as teenagers I fell in love with him. we got back in touch with one another after 37 years absence. In that time I fell more deeply in love with him. I finally professed it again in a post two days ago, which he read yesterday.

He told me that he was “honored” and that I was a great writer. While I never had aspirations that my post would result in his professing his love for me, the word “honored” told me all I needed to know. He should be honored. I’m quite a woman! (In spite of feeling like shit right now…)

My gut kept telling me I had to stop dancing around my feelings and just and put it out there. I didn’t know why. I just knew it had to be done. I put it off forever! Now I know why.

As I suspected long ago, (the amount of contact and visits from him took a noticeable dive) he’s evidently developed feelings for someone else. His texts after reading my blog,  finally confirm that.

He told me once that if his position on relationships ever changed, I would be the first to know. I never interpreted that to mean that if his feelings for me changed, just that if he had a change of heart regarding relationships in general.

Today when I asked him if he had developed feelings for anyone in his group, he texted saying that he had become very close to his group partner. In spite of the fact that they have not met in person.

This news hit me like a spark on the Hindenburg. My dreams of us as a couple, gone up in smoke in one tiny text. Staggering…


But you can’t make someone feel something they don’t.

I think I may finally understand why some of my friends may have shied away from me.  They knew the crash and burn was imminent and didn’t want to have to witness it first hand.  Or it could be they’re just assholes, and it’s because I’m no longer financially flush. But I digress…

When I’m able to set aside the tears and my immediate desire to vomit up all this passion I’ve held pent up these last five years, I find the whole thing very compelling on a certain level.

What I Really HATE is, the sense of loss is profound, which is absurd. It’s not like we’ve been lovers…ever!!! They’re was nothing more than the promise of something, at best. Steamy emails etc. (at one time). But face to face? Nada! One kiss in five years. But so much love and kindness. So I guess it could be worse. If we’d had those things, I would be toast right now.

Is my heart broken? You bet you’re sweet ass it is! Am I devastated? Guess! Will I get over it? KEEP READING…

He called and /or texted me every day consistently for 3 years straight, minus 11 days. He said he talked to me more than either of his wives, there was a deep connection there.

Once, when I asked for clarification, that we were getting to know one another with the plan of having a relationship,  he said, “That’s what I thought!” But that ship sailed a couple years ago when he said that was never his intention, as it could risk his sobriety, something he was unwilling to do.

But that was then. This is Now!

For quite a while now I’ve been letting my body go. Whenever I dated, his presence was always working in the background. (He usually ridiculed anyone I dated, so I stopped talking about it.) Sometimes I actually felt like I was cheating on him. Ridiculous! And I’ve never been a cheater.

I understand why the universe kept urging me to write that post. It was for closure. I love him and I want him to be happy. But I want the same things for myself.

I want to seize life by the balls again! I don’t give a crap how cliche that sounds. It’s the truth! I want love and passion and sex! And lots of it! But not meaningless sex. Meaningless sex is usually bad or mediocre sex.

I want to SING MY ASS OFF, to anyone who will listen!  And I want to tighten my fat ass up as well!

When Mike and I first got in touch and he kissed me 5 years ago, it opened Pandora’s box…literally!  I started working out like a madwoman and “played the lady harp”, daily. I shrunk 6 sizes and 50lbs. by working out. (He also sent me a treadmill for my office.)

Last winter all my hard work went to hell and I suddenly felt like that repressed dame living in the burbs all over again, protecting myself under layers of fat, while allowing the world to slowly pass me by, all the while waiting and hoping for some sign that he was in love with me.


It’s weird, as I was tearfully collecting my things to come out and sit under a tree by the lake to write this post, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  For a moment, I saw this fat girl looking back at me. Then, (like Patrick Swayze jumping out of his body in the movie, “Ghost”) I saw a much smaller, tighter, happier version of myself, winking back at me. I LOVE THAT!!!

Admittedly, this is going to take some getting used to, because thoughts of him often consumed me. I thought the universe brought us back together to be a couple. OOPS!

I take one great thing from this experience, which I hope I’ve learned for good. If I’m going to be in any kind of a relationship, I need a man of action! Mike is an incredible man of action and he has definitely raised the bar for other men, to a point. In my marriage, I was always the problem solver and the “go to” person who took initiative. I’d like to see someone else “man up” for a change Goddamit!

Mike has also taught me patience. I will leave it to the universe to figure out how I negotiate those two things going forward.

I WANT WILD AND CRAZY “FUCKSPARKS” like I felt with “Prince Liam”!  NOT this unrequited love crap! (Oddly enough, when I told Prince Liam about Mike, he said, “Don’t you deserve so much more than that?”) Bless his heart. He was right!BeFunky_unrequitednomorepining 2.jpg

Will I find it?  Who knows. I don’t really care right now. All I want right now is to SING MY HEART OUT! NOTHING GIVE ME GREATER JOY THAN THAT! The rest will come if it’s meant to.

He has been a remarkable friend to me. No one could possibly ask for a better one. I wouldn’t have this blog if not for him! No doubt we will go on being friends for years to come. He told me I was his “Soulmate” and I believe him,

Believe it or not, I am incredibly grateful today. It’s funny. I believe in “angel numbers”. That’s when you see triple and quadruple digits over and over throughout your day.  Some believe it’s a sign that Angels are watching over you. Others think it’s the universe giving you a “heads UP!” I have no desire to discuss religion here. That being said…

The day that my client of 29 years tried to screw me was 11.11.11. The commission sheet in question was even emailed to me at 11:11 am! (Pretty weird. Right? That moment was the cause for me to quit my business and take up the torch to sing again.) Yesterday and today on various clocks etc, I saw 444, 11:11, 10:10, 12:12, 333, 1:11, 10:10. Hello?  OK message received! LOL!

My favorite bird of all time, has always been the flamingo. It was only in the past year that I learned that the Flamingo was the inspiration for the phoenix rising from the ashes. If I sound like a drama queen, tough shit! I was a theatre major, hazard of the trade!

So ya, I may feel like I’m in the rubble right now, but trust me, this  motherfucking Phoenix will rise in a blaze of colors!

Final lesson… WHEN IN DOUBT…JUST ASK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This seems like a good time to do something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I hope to post a video, or song along with every post. If you don’t like it, just ignore it!

People dedicate books. I’m dedicating this post to my son, who is my closest friend on the planet. Hold onto your hat, the second act is about to begin. I’M AWAKE NOW!

Published by: JB chants

I was contacted by OkCupid a month after signing up, telling me I was in the top 5% response rate and asking my secret. I was stunned. I was in my 50's! Beats me! It's not as though I posted racy photos or I was plagued by blinding beauty! However it served it's purpose,in terms of finding dates,but finding a mate? Not so much. Along the way, I had some pretty nutty encounters, some more lethal than others. While my blog started as a retelling of these amorous tales, it's morphed into a myriad of stories, including many from my time on the planet. They range from working with the amazing Henry Winkler, auditioning for Nadia Boulanger, an attempted assault by one of Al Capone's retired former henchmen, and offering a homeless man (who was also a convicted murderer) a place to stay for the night. While most of this is older material but I'm considering penning epilogues or postmortems from my post pandemic, post #metoo perspective, as well as sharing more. So many stories to tell! Thanks for stopping by! Cheers!

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